Well, I’ve basically been offline for over three years now.
It’s been a rough few years. When I thought things couldn’t get any worse as I was updating you guys about shipping and paypal issues and such, well, they did get worse. They got even worse than my anxiety and worry had needled me about. A bunch of my nightmares came true.
For a while, I lived in a small tent in the woods. My partner’s family donated materials so we could build ourselves a one-room cabin, which we did and proceeded to live in well into the winter, which pretty much sucked.
And by the time I had a roof again and got my stuff out of storage and inspected the insect and weather damage and found entire boxes of stuff that had shipping labels on it but it never got dropped off at the post office… by the time I realized how badly I had screwed up with so many customers and clients, I couldn’t see any way to fix it short of paying them back, and until then, I decided, I couldn’t show my face (so to speak). I would lay low, keep my nose to the grindstone, and work work work until I could appear with reparations.
Well, I worked worked worked alright, but I sure never came close to being able to afford to throw enough money at these issues, and the more time passed, the worse it all felt, and the more final. How to fix my business without being open for business… couldn’t see a way. Over the last couple of months, though, a few things happened.
I had a falling out with a family member that reminded me very keenly about something I know intellectually but lose sight of when things get painful — that we only get out of life what we put into it, tend, and stick around to harvest, and we have to do that ourselves. We can’t sit still and just hope things will change any more than we can sit home and hope somebody else suddenly remembers we love them and they haven’t spoken to us in six months. Can’t control their emotions, can’t control all kinds of things, and can’t read minds, and if we wait on them to remember we exist or for life to somehow get easier *before* we put our shoulders back to the wheel… well, we’ll rot. We have to get going with our own lives even when we’re sad about the way it turned out.
Around the same time, a friend gently suggested that my perspective on it all might be a little skewed and I could be turning this into an all-or-nothing scenario when in fact there were more than just two binary options. She also reminded me that I’m a writer and that I get a lot of my sense of meaning out of that. She was right – so in leaving academia and then deciding I’d screwed up this business and all my client/customer trust and relationships royally and fatally and forever and had to go live under a rock, I suddenly didn’t have either of the vocations that I’d put everything into over the last 10-15 years, and I also didn’t have anything to write, anywhere to put it, anything to say, or anybody to say it to. There are really only a couple of things I know enough about to bother articulating opinions and ideas on, and I had no room or outlet to do so re. either one.
Just about everything in my life that contributed significantly to my sense of identity or vocation or meaning was upended, exploded, turned inside out, or at the very least shaken to within an inch of its life over the past few years – my sense of self as a mother, as a rootworker, as an academic, as a teacher, as a daughter/sister/niece/cousin, as a problem-solver and thinker and writer…
And who in the hell would want anything to do with spiritual commentary, advice, or services from somebody who couldn’t even fix their own shit when it broke? (went the mental narrative) Why should I even bother trying to unsnarl the incredibly messy tangle I’d have to dig shoulder-deep into to even start getting a clear picture of where things are? (went the mental narrative) I had nothing of any special value to contribute anywhere anyway. (went the mental narrative)
And then coronavirus happened. I have allergic asthma and it’s been very poorly controlled over the last three years since we moved out to the middle of nowhere and then into a old house full of 20 years of cat dander, mold, mildew, dust, God know what else (definitely a goat used to sleep in the living room when it was cold out). So I’m in that category of folks who could realistically end up deader than hell if I get sick. And we live so far away from an emergency room that I might not make it even for a regular old asthma attack.
Well, damn, I thought. Never thought I’d be one to go out with a whimper.
Then I thought, wait a second. Screw *that.* For better or worse, the good Lord gave you a loud damned mouth and that seems to be the only asset you have left, so maybe you should be using it. At the very least, you can put your apology out there instead of just cringing your way into the grave looking all hangdog. Your sitting there feeling like shit for a few more years, or until you die of pneumonia in a couple of months , isn’t gonna do anybody any good.
So maybe a few people see you around and show up to hurl rocks and epithets. Well, you earned a little grief, so suck it up and take the best chance you’ve got to fix it in the foreseeable future. But it’s pretty unlikely that anybody except you has been obsessing over this several times a week for a few years, so they probably aren’t going to be emotional about it. (went the new mental narrative)
…All of which seemed fairly reasonable and plausible, actually.
So here I am going through the rubble, seeing what can be salvaged, seeing what I do and don’t recognize of the world now, and trying to suck it up and start fixing things.
It is pretty slow going. I have some real messes on my hands and a few things have changed since I last had to fool with them. But if you want to keep up with what’s going on, the plan is to regularly update the new site, Seraphin Station, with that sort of thing. I posted a note there the other day for people who were Karma Zain customers/clients between 2002-2015 explaining some of this, but it’s gonna take me probably months still to track down and catch up on everything and everybody, so there’s bound to be some repetition and some rubble along the way.
I haven’t even been able to access all my old social media yet, and I figure I must have about 8,000+ messages and comments to sort through (sigh) but I’ll be keeping up with new messages here at this blog and the Seraphin Station one. I suspect I’ll keep both and let this one be the more “advanced” material/discussions for people who don’t need a generic intro to spiritual work and are already familiar with conjure specifically. I guess… we’ll see?
But if you *don’t* hate me and would like to see me kicking around on the web making a nuisance of myself again, please leave a comment and let me know how you’ve been, or drop me an email (you can use the contact form at Seraphin Station or the gmail address), or wave or click the like box or subscribe or *something* so that I can tell my imagination to get stuffed and to stop with the sky is falling stuff
Hope everybody is healthy and hanging in there and your homes are all peaceful and patient and loving and nobody has cabin fever!
16 thoughts on “Long time no see…”
My favorite Florida water was made by you. It was stronger than you had intended so I did dilute it, but it was the best stuff I’ve used in 15 years!!! Can’t wait to see your growth and progress!! Out of the darkest dark, is our brightest light!! Keep your chin up, Karma!!
Thank you so much, Michelle – great to hear from you
I’m not sure if I ever had the Florida Water, but the Cool Heads, Warm Hearts spray was the bee’s freakin’ knees.
I was looking at your order history last night lol, and you have — kind of. See, the Cool Heads, Warm Hearts contains the Florida Water and then a few other additions, but it’s absolutely based on my mother’s Florida Water recipe. And I was looking at it last night trying to figure out how to prioritize all this stuff in a way that makes sense and is rational financially lol… I really want to make some more now, ’cause I owe you some, and ’cause I want some for around here as I’m cleaning everything.
But the ingredients are horrendously expensive. Raw materials like hydrosols and essential oils have gone up so much over the last four years, it’s breathtaking! I don’t think they ever went up in this much in any other four-year period that I was buying and using these type of materials. I don’t know what’s happened.
But I do hope to be making it again soon!
I’m glad you’re still around!
I’m glad to see you! I missed you and I was worried and I’m glad you are around
Hi Karma! I used to wear your Rattlesnake oil every day. Miss your writing and miss having access to your amazing oils and know-how. Just holding and tuning into your products would immediately empower me. I’ve never used anything quite so effective. And the care you took with the scents! You’re awesome and I hope your life gets back on track real soon. Katya (from Moscow)
Hey! So nice to hear from you! I hope you’re well and healthy and keeping sane with all this pandemic craziness. Thanks so much for your kind words 🙂
Welcome back! Your oils and Florida water are the best! I’m so glad you will be posting again!
And another person who got royally screwed over in 2015 with an unsent order who is being unfathomably kind anyway. I definitely got my share of crazy folks and chargebacks for illegitimate reasons back in the day, like anybody, but beyond that stuff, I swear I think I have the best customers and clients in the world. It’s so nice of you to say hi and you must have the patience of a saint. I was just looking at your paperwork – let me go write you this email now lol. It’ll come from SeraphinStation at gmail 🙂
What are you doing for the people you were suppose to have a consultation with? We were suppose to have a consultation, that I payed for?
Did you see in this blog post where it says “I posted a note there the other day for people who were Karma Zain customers/clients between 2002-2015”? That’s a clickable link, and that page it will take you to explains where I’m at with all of this (which in some cases is contacting folks whose paperwork and situation are in my hands, but in others is still fighting with support at various platforms to get access to old accounts back ’cause they have data I no longer have).
I’ve added the same info/link to the sidebars, as well, just to put it as many places as I can so folks will hopefully see it, and I referenced it on other social media channels so people can find it. And it has my updated contact info in it, too.
There are no words to tell you how happy I am that you’re back and that you’re going to be doing this again, and that you’re okay for the most part even if everything isn’t perfect. I really loved and appreciated you when you ran your shops and your blogs. I learned so much from you and relied on your products so much to make differences in my life and hold myself together. Even though I’ve never met you in real life I always connected with you through your blog in your products and their energy. I thought about you often over the years I prayed for you and wish you well and all of that. I always hoped you would come back and relaunch to store and offer products again. I’m so happy for you and I’m so happy for us too!
I always loved your sovereign queen oil, you’r triple strength love whammy oil, your triple strength goofer dust. Please, please, please bring those back even if they cost a little more it’s ok with me. So worth it. 🙂
So nice to “see” you again! so to speak lol – I hope you’ve been well!
I can’t tell you how touching this was to read. And as a teacher, I gotta say, this kind of thing, where somebody says they learned from us? Is pretty much what we live for 🙂 Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a note, and thank you for your kind words!
I’m setting up a standalone storefront as we “speak,” so I will bump those formulas you mentioned up to the top of the list to populate 🙂 There’s not much in it yet and there are still some feathers sticking out, but it’s at http://www.seraphinstation.com
Also, your binding oil was the best, especially for binding lovers to us. You must make that again please!